at anong oras? 10:24:00 PM
so why don't you give me a hug.
i am sick.
not literally sick as sick.
but, i am sick.
sick of people trying to control my life.
sick of being always the center of humor.
i am just sick.
i woke up this morning feeling hot. hot as in high in temperature. and a knocking sound in my head. i feel my blood pumping into my brain. a headache i pressumed. i cannot rise from bed the instant i woke up. i needed 30 more minutes before i fully let my feet do the work of going to the dining area. the moment i was there, sermon welcomed me to eat. this really made my day feel so down. but, it was not long enough that they noticed how different i was acting. and at that time, they discovered i have fever. allergic rhinitis also infected me. i cant help sneezing.
the day went on as it should and i continued doing the usual things i do on a sunday. i didnt mind being sick. i just left it as if it were part of my usual sunday. but, this evening, after dinner i felt worse. i went online trying to seek comfort from friends; and, it was then that i didnt find any. i dont have the courage to ask my aunt or uncle for some comfort. that would be awkward. i didnt have enough energy to text either.
all the time i was infront of the computer i was listening to cacai velasquez' forever blue. it was not long until a drop of tear curled down my cheek. i didnt notice it at first but my eyes began to water and i cant help it. dramatic it may seem, it was then that i really felt the feeling of loneliness without someone comforting you in your pain. this is the first time it happened to me. and, all that i long for is a hug from a friend. after that, i know things will be different.
at anong oras? 10:57:00 PM
me, my lovelife and the UP Pep.
well, today i really felt stupid.
but, due to the fact that ateneans [im having a general statement] - ok, 2 ateneans- are so bossy and boastful, i just cant seem to tell whether i would pity them or be angry with them. thinking that they can't do anything else with their time but to push other people around is very much likely asking why they exist in this world.
i can answer my question. maybe they are in this world to let people know the difference of doing what is wrong and what is right. i wont bother mentioning what they did. its just that it was not right saying those things to me. and dont ask me whether i was sure they were ateneans for i am. they were wearing blue shirts and one was sporting a white jacket with a blue A in it - would you say that they were not ateneans?
well, this entry was not supposed to be about them. but, i wanted to say that you have your place in this world. and maybe, they have nothing to do with their lives and they wanted to mess with mine. i wouldnt let them. PUH-leese.
okay, stop talking about them. now, its all about me. tonight, while i was walking through the skyway connecting Doroteo Jose and Recto station i was just wondering how it would be me being involved in a relationship. i really cant see myself into one. how hard it is just thinking of it! how much more it would be experiencing it? last friday night at our tambayan, i asked our resident fortune teller to look at my fortune. she let me ask one question answerable either by yes or no. i asked "would i have a lovelife in 5 years time?". the answer clearly stated yes, as she said so.
the thought just left me speechless. i just dont know how would that happen. or i was thinking whether it is right to believe in those things. there is nothing wrong in believing but we should know the consequences.
as i have been reiterating these days, love is not at the top of my priority list. it comes in the 50th to the 100th. true. it takes something little to make me happy. UP winning a game is one. me being asked to join the Pep Squad is one. those kind of little things.
i want to leave a quote ive been living up to: "I was never meant for loving. I am here to make others happy."
yes, you heard it right i was asked to join the UP Pep Squad.
HE: kuya, anong year mo na at course.
AKO: IE, 2nd year.
HE: ano nga pla name mo?
HE: gusto mo sumali ng pep?
i was flattered. they are asking me to join. but, i really think without bias but to look at the practicality of the situation. actually, i wanted to join Pep since i was first year - the dancers to be exact. but, when the second semester came and i saw drummer's application posters, iw anted to be a drummer. and now, i met ajee [ajee is a drummer applicant] i want to be part of the Pep. the problem is, the training goes from 5pm-9pm. and, i dont have my own mode of transportation so it wouldnt be convenient for me to go home. i have to weigh my pros and cons perfectly before i make any decision. anyway, i can always joint raining anytime i am sure that i really want to become part of it. i just hope it wouldnt be too late.
i am going to leave you the message i saw on the new up pep banner on our very old and rusty bus:
SEE YOU THIS CHEERDANCE COMPETITION
(not word by word)
at anong oras? 8:48:00 PM
an out of the classroom lesson.
the day didnt appear as bad as i thought it would be. well, i was expecting today to be "not" fun as the day was yesterday. but, today was completely different.
today, i realized something i havent realized for so long. i know that it would be too boastful to say that i am really kind. i know you wouldnt believe me; but, believe me, i am. i find it easy to trust someone i just met without even knowing more of them. i just trust them. if in danger, i may trust my life to a complete stranger. that is how i am.
so this morening, someone i just met told me how bitchy i was to play him around. i just asked myself, who the hell he is thinking i was playing around with him. that is when i thought how even trusted him without even knowing him. all the while i thought he was a friend. but, it didnt take long before he revealed his true colors. a text message broke the silence. all the time we were arguing through text did i realize what the point of the argument was. and it popped into my mind that i did nothing wrong and that he does not have the right to call me a liar. first, i didnt even know what his reasons were. second, he doesnt know me that well to blame me for anything that has happened to him. and third, the hell i dont care about his business or about his and his whatever's business.
all through physics lab, i was bothered by one question. why am i bothered with his texts even if i dont know him long enough? and it is that i trusted him even if we talk throught text. i truested someone i barely even know. and that was what's wrong.
and now, i ask myself why do i always get hurt when people say something bad about other people. and, the answer is right infront of me. the moment i meet someone, i always stick to my mind that whoever he/she is, he/she is a good person. i seldom think that people are bad. that is what my problem is. no matter how much they have hurt me, i always think that this is God's way of testing me on how i love my friends.
even if this happened to me, i still believe that people, in nature, are good. no matter what happens, there is still good in them. and what i have learned, i should be too trusting of others. more, if we only just met them.
my journey of meeting new people doesnt stop here; moreover, this only teaches me a lesson i would need in meeting new acquaintances. and i hope, through this lesson, i would have a better selection of friends.
at anong oras? 7:27:00 PM
everything seems to fall apart.
i can tell you that this one of those days when it seems that everything is against you.
even the weather is on the opposing force.
it is when you realize that what you are aiming for is completely impossible.
this is the day when everything that you believe in just dont seem believable anymore.
this is the day he/she says "dont love me the way you do now".
this is the day you discover the reason why he/she didnt go with you on your monthsary.
this is the day when you feel like you are AGAIN nobody.
the day you feel so worthless and that everything you do doesnt seem to be in place.
this is the day your horoscope tells you that your luck suddenly stops.
this is the moment you have been waiting for yet makes you wait a little longer.
that is how may day went. i thought that this would be one of the happiest days of the week. still, i know that there is a time for everything. there will be this time that the world would be rotating and it would be my happy day.
at anong oras? 8:51:00 PM
i have had such a very hectic week. i cant even believe myself reading my photcopied readings and understanding physics concepts in the dead of the night. never in my life did i experiecned those things. in highschool, my studying didnt last until 11 or 12 un the evening. but now, it just so happen that i am still up by 1am. the problem with it is that i need to wake up real early for my 7 and 830am classes. i whine for my sleepless nights. and more for my pokemon professor.
i am really nervous about how my essay would be criticized. actually, i just made it out of nowhere. my topic is really off. and i did it because i had no choice. i really learn a lot from my professor, friend nelson. he really is a friend. and through our essay writing workshop he really believes in me. actually, even if my essay has not beeen discussed yet; he know i have my opinions about everything and that i make very constructive criticisms about other's essay. for example, last meeting he decided that we criticize the essay by Tarantella [we write in pseudonyms. and mine's Kapitan Kalaykay]. i havent read the essay yet. so i decided to skip reciting when he asks for our opinions about the essay. then he asked me if ever i had something to say. but i honestly told him that i did not have the chance to read his essay. so he decided to make the discussion longer so that i can finish reading it and say something. but, i really didnt want to say something about his topic. so he just went off criticizing the next in line.
to tell you the truth, i never felt that important during a discussion. during high school, when it comes tot discussions about a certain essay or topic i just feel invisible. its like i enver get to say anything that would help. true. i read and undertand the literature we would be discussing for the day but i never get to share my ideas and opinions. my opinions back then were not important. what they ened me for is answers to assignments and quizzes, not what comes from my mouth. i admit, i was better of in written activities than in oral ones. but, when it comes to the point that i speak, i never feel that i have th attention i deserve.
at this point, i am just so proud i get to study in a university where all opinions are respected.
another, in our MPs10 class, as i have said, we are criticizing essays. another thing that i have learned is how to make life moe creative. as sir said, we shouldnt put normal everyday experiences for everybody have experienced it. there would be mno point telling us how your day went without it being extraordinary. i know it sounds so bad to the writer of the essay. but, it really is true. there is no point telling us thigns we already know.
i think that through all of these things that are happening to mei can say that somehow, i changed. i admit that before i tend to neglect my responsibilities. but certain situations - i just dont know what they are- made me somehow responsible. i know in a certain time and place i will mature to be more responsible and think of others also.
I ADMIT I AM sometimes SELFISH.
at anong oras? 8:36:00 PM
to go to Galera, you need to study.
i am having less time for blogging or for doing my usual nighttime internet surfing.
i can feel the effects of too much academics in life. i am beginning to feel so sick! in the morning, i can tell that i have fever. even if i really have none, i can insist that i have fever. maybe, i just want to have a day of rest. that is all i want. my classes run from mondays to fridays but it so happens that i have extracurricular events on saturdays and uaap games to attend to every sundays.
even through my hectic schedule, i can still have fun. during my 2 hour break times - which do not result to real break times - i go to our tambayan and have fun and socialize with people there. actually, it is part of my duty as a memcom director. well, it is not said explicitly but it is implied that when it comes to the application process i have something to do with it. making sure that the applicants feel welcome is part of my job. but, i feel so guilty about not having to REALLY fulfill this responsibility. i dont spend that much time with them. i wish i could.
another, i am very depressed about what is happening to my other organization. i am rarely seen during GAs. it is partly my fault. the GAs start at 5 and my class either ends in 1 or 530. GAs are on mondays so, my classes end at 1 so it is very difficult to stay and have nothing to do from 1-5. they are coining what is happening to me as "disappearing act". i really promise that i would be attending the next GA to be held. and oh, i owe them 10 pesos for each GA i did not attend. gah!
karen's birthday is coming. still, i havent got an idea of what to give her on that day. and, i dont have money to buy something if ever i had an idea of what to give her. because, i am saving such that i can pay back mom what i owe her for buying my fone. my celfone is not free you know! i still need to work hard to say that i really bought it myself.
anyway, school is demanding so much attention and i really cannot -even for a short period of time- lose my focus. because when i begin to enjoy doing something i would be doing it until the moment i become tired of it. so, as much as possible i take my eyes off possible temptations like internet surfing, texting, watching television. but, here is the catch, whenever i study it is either i am in the living room in front of the television or at the dining room at the back of the television. and, usually, my fone is within 5 meter radius and i can hear the computer's speakers out loud. so much for contradiction and temptation.
okay i have to go back to studying now. but lately i have relaized that whenever you want to get things done, you got to maintain focus. because the moment you lose the momentum of finishing what you've started, it is very hard to take it back. for now, i am going to focus on studying.
and, good news everyone. i just failed our math55 first long examination. well, i am expecting that. but, for my parents to approve of me going to Puerto Galera this sembreak with my college blockmates, i better start studying and make my grades go up.
tata. wish me luck.
at anong oras? 8:33:00 PM
into the oblation nation.
are classes will be cut tomorrow for the school's preparation for this year's upcat.
i remember that i took my upcat last 13august04 at 1230pm. approximately 2 years from now. as i remember correctly, i didnt really STUDY hard. the days that i took studying for the upcat seriously was a weekend wherein i stayed in my room except for meals. i just read and read books and my old notes.
actually, upcat wouldnt be such a hassle. to make sure you really get in, you should have started early. your qualifications for entiring up does not depend on your upcat scores alone. your upg is part-upcat score and part-highschool grades. so, even if you are an honor student in your senior year but just slacked off for the first three years of highschool, better beware.
getting into up requires a lot of wit and intelligence. it is up to you what tactics you would plan to really fo into the university. some take a course they think no one would ever pick. and, eventually, after they enter the university, shift to the course they really wanted.
what i just want to say is that i bid all the upcat takers goodluck and i really hope that they would get into the oblation nation.